The Precinct review

You’re fresh out of the academy, badge gleaming, probably still smelling faintly of shoe polish and youthful optimism. And whose massive size 10s are you trying to fill? None other than your old man’s, a legendary copper from back in the day. It’s a tale as old as time, or at least as old as the first police procedural.

You’re paired up with Kelly, your wisecracking, donut-scoffing (probably) partner, and together you’re chucked into the urban jungle of Averno City’s roughest sector. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and you don’t really have a choice, it’s your job, mate), is to patrol, pester, and generally police the living daylights out of your patch. What starts as a beat cop’s daily grind of slapping tickets on illegally parked Ford Cortinas and telling little Timmy not to scrawl rude words on walls soon spirals into a proper city-wide ruckus involving warring gangs and a conspiracy that probably goes… well, somewhere interesting.

The writing leans heavily into those American buddy cop tropes we’ve all seen a thousand times. Expect banter drier than a week-old Parle-G and enough clichés to fill a police evidence locker. But here’s the kicker: The Precinct isn’t just flirting with the cop fantasy; it’s gone and eloped with it. This game is committed. You’re not just blasting away at pixelated baddies; oh no, there’s paperwork, or at least the 80s video game equivalent. You’ll be verifying IDs like a bouncer with a quota, patting down suspects for contraband, and even Mirandizing miscreants. "You have the right to remain silent, mostly because the dialogue options are a bit limited!"

Your daily routine isn’t all high-speed chases and dramatic shootouts, at least not initially. Prepare for the glamour of issuing parking tickets. Feel the adrenaline as you caution someone for dropping their crisp packet. It’s all part of the beat, building up that authentic copper experience, one minor infraction at a time. This dedication to the mundane, the proper procedure, is weirdly compelling. It’s not just about catching the crooks; it’s about doing it by the book, even if the book is a bit dog-eared and smells faintly of stale coffee.

If you’ve ever squinted at an early Grand Theft Auto title from directly above, you’ll feel right at home in The Precinct. The top-down perspective is a glorious throwback, a simpler time when all you needed was a bird’s-eye view and a thirst for justice (or, in GTA's case, a thirst for causing delightful mayhem). Here, though, you’re on the other side of the flashing blue lights.
Experience points, the bread and butter of any aspiring virtual copper, are doled out for successfully cuffing and stuffing the criminal element within your designated patrol zone. Play it straight, follow the rules, and you’ll be rewarded with a bigger XP biscuit. Try to cut corners, and you might find your progress as stalled as rush hour traffic. It’s a neat little system that encourages you to at least try and be a good egg.

Every day in Averno City starts with you and your partner Kelly clocking in, ready for another shift of high jinks and lowlifes. At the end of the day, you clock out, and the game tallies up your score, dishing out those precious XP based on your saintly (or slightly singed) conduct. Get a call to a crime in progress and fluff it? That’ll be minus XP for you, sunshine. It’s a cracking incentive to actually, you know, do your job properly. No slacking off in the virtual staff canteen here.
Now, the missions themselves can occasionally get a bit muddled, like a poorly filed police report. Sometimes you’ll be chasing after a suspect, only to see your partner Kelly legging it in the opposite direction, presumably distracted by a rogue pigeon. And speaking of Kelly, he’s not always the sharpest tool in the squad car. More than once, I’ve lined up the perfect shot only for him to amble into my line of fire, turning a tense standoff into an internal affairs nightmare.

The soundtrack, though, is pure retro gold. Slow, pulsing synth vibes wash over you, perfectly capturing that 80s atmosphere of a city teetering on the brink, where burglary and carjacking are as common as dodgy perms. It makes even a routine patrol feel like a scene from a lost Michael Mann film.
And the city! Averno is a genuinely detailed and surprisingly active place, even if the core gameplay loop feels like it’s been teleported directly from the early 2000s. This isn’t a complaint, mind you; it’s clearly a deliberate design choice, and frankly, I’m here for it. I casually sauntered into a subway station, booked a chap for littering (the audacity!), and then, on a whim, tried to hop on a train. And it worked! There’s a fully functional subway system, chugging away beneath the streets, ready to whisk you across the city. It’s touches like this that elevate The Precinct beyond a simple retro retread.

The GTA inspiration doesn’t stop at the camera angle. Drive your battered police cruiser into a designated repair shop (for cops), and watch in nostalgic delight as the shutters clank down, a mysterious spray-painting sound fills the air, and your ride emerges looking showroom fresh. It’s a direct lift, a loving homage that sent shivers of pure, unadulterated joy down my spine, the kind I haven’t felt since I was 15.
When you’re not chasing down joyriders, the detective side of things offers some proper head-scratchers. Unusual murder cases pop up, adding a welcome layer of intrigue and investigation to the daily grind of nabbing pickpockets. These moments let the game flex its narrative muscles a bit more, pulling you deeper into the city’s underbelly.

However, not everything in Averno is a walk in the park. Car chases, a staple of any cop experience, are often trickier than trying to assemble furniture after three pints. The handling of your police cruiser is decidedly skittish, like a shopping trolley with a dodgy wheel. Combine that with narrow city streets, an abundance of destructible objects, and a civilian population seemingly determined to dive in front of your bonnet, and you’ve got a recipe for vehicular frustration. You really need to be glued to a fleeing suspect’s bumper to rack up the points needed to call for backup. Annoyingly, the perps always seem to have access to nippier motors than your standard-issue police vehicle. Unlike the Dubai police, you won’t be finding a Lamborghini in your station’s car park.

Responding to petty crimes is initially quite fun, a quick burst of policing action. But the time limit to reach the perp is often tighter than a reality TV star’s new face. If you opt to take your car, waiting for Kelly to amble over and hop in can eat up precious seconds, often leading to a failed response and a disappointed sigh.

Gunfights, when they erupt (usually thanks to escalating gang violence), feel a tad… janky. Aiming can be imprecise, and enemy AI isn’t going to win any Nobel Prizes for tactical genius. You’ll even hear the occasional baddie yell “Say hello to my little friend!” which, while a fun nod to Scarface, highlights that the day-to-day policing rarely reaches those cinematic heights of explosive action.

It’s a rare moment when you’ll find yourself simply strolling through your sector, taking in the sights of the beautifully gritty Averno City. There’s usually too much going on, too many calls to answer. And when the criminals do make a run for it, they often have the annoying habit of scattering in opposite directions, leaving you to pick one and hope Kelly, bless him, manages to collar the other. It’s a proper test of your multi-tasking abilities, or lack thereof.

Visually, The Precinct is a charmingly chunky affair. It’s not going to win any awards for photorealism, and it doesn’t need to. The top-down perspective inherently lends itself to a more stylised look, and the game embraces its retro roots with gusto. Think late 90s, early 2000s PC gaming, but polished up for a modern audience.
Averno City itself is the star here. It’s a sprawling urban landscape, full of character. Grimy alleyways, bustling main streets, distinct neighbourhoods – it all feels suitably lived-in and slightly dangerous. Weather effects and a day/night cycle add to the atmosphere, making patrols feel dynamic. Car models are blocky but recognisable, and character sprites, while small, are distinct enough. It's what you’d call "beautifully gritty"; it captures the essence of a crime-ridden 80s metropolis without needing a bazillion polygons to do it. It’s a look that serves the gameplay well, prioritising clarity and that all-important nostalgic hit.

The Precinct is a game that knows exactly what it wants to be: a love letter to classic top-down cop games, sprinkled with a hefty dose of procedural detail. It’s a proper copper simulator wrapped in a retro aesthetic, and for the most part, it pulls it off with a cheeky wink and a whole lot of heart. The commitment to the mundane aspects of policing, from ticketing to ID checks, is surprisingly engaging, and the overarching story of gang warfare provides a decent enough hook to keep you patrolling the mean streets of Averno.

Sure, the car handling can be more wayward than a politician's promises, Kelly can sometimes feel like more of a hindrance than a help, and the gunplay is a bit rough around the edges. But there’s an undeniable charm to its old-school approach. The synth-heavy soundtrack is a banger, the detailed city is a joy to explore (even if you’re usually doing it at high speed with sirens wailing), and those little GTA-inspired touches are pure nostalgic catnip.